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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29811000">So Fucking Much</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarshmellowMilk/pseuds/MarshmellowMilk'>MarshmellowMilk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tsukkiyama shit [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Out of Character, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, probably</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:42:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29811000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarshmellowMilk/pseuds/MarshmellowMilk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, when Tadashi and Kei are walking home, Tadashi gets some feelings off his chest.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tsukkiyama shit [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2207508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>So Fucking Much</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The stars twinkled. Painting the dark blue sky as two childhood friends made their way down a hill after a long day of school and volleyball practice. It was absolutely quiet except for the sound of their feet rubbing against asphalt and the occasional cricket singing a tune.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi huffed, looking at the ground as the tips of his shoes launched tiny pebbles into the air. He cast a glance at his tall, blonde friend. Kei looked straight ahead with dull eyes, his headphones protecting his ears from any noise the world produced. Tadashi looked away, twirling one of the strands of his backpack with his finger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He let in a sharp breath. The cold air stinging his insides. The feeling of something heavy flew around in his chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘Should I just say something? Maybe I should tell him how I feel. It’s not like he’s going to hear me anyways…’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He glanced one more time at his friend. The boy looked completely the same, looking forward and ignoring everything else around him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi let out all the air that was swimming inside his chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘God, I don’t know why I’m so nervous…’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘I don’t know why I can’t do it.’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘I can’t.’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘I can’t-‘ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Tsukki.” Tadashi felt his brain jump back, and he almost stopped dead in his tracks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘You’ve already said something. Just let it all out. You’ll feel better afterward, even if he won’t listen to you.’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He grabbed onto the straps on his backpack. His grip so tight his knuckles turned as pale as the moon. “I know you probably can’t hear me. You probably don’t want to...or care. But I have to get something off my chest…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi sighed deeply, his eyes glued to the ground. “I hate my life...I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel so bad all the time. No matter what I do, I’m not happy. Nothing I do brings me joy in life anymore. Not even soggy fries. And those always make me happy! Or...made me happy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi paused for a bit, pondering if there would be any response. But, as he expected, all he got was silence. He waited another minute before continuing. “Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just...disappeared. Or, even better, if I died. Do you ever think about disappearing forever, Tsukki? To experience your life slowly fading into the sky? I think about that all the time. I wonder if anyone would miss me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>”Like, I’m not that important to the team. I really can’t do anything right except for those jump float serves. And even then, I mess up. I mess everything up. If I died, I bet it wouldn’t even cause a discrepancy for the team. They could easily replace me. Hell, they probably wouldn’t need to replace me at all. I’d just be one less person and that’s that. I’m a stupid, pathetic person. I’m replaceable. There will always be someone there to take my place, if my role was important to fill anyway.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tears threatened to spill. Tadashi quickly wiped them away. His gaze shifting to his friend's shoes for a second before looking at his own. “Hey, Tsukki? Would you miss me? Would you miss me at all? Would you even care? Would you even notice I was gone?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Silence. Absolute silence.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wanted to shrivel up into a ball like a crumpled up piece of paper and be thrown into the river right then and there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know what? It’s okay. You don’t have to answer that. I think I already know the answer.” Tadashi looked up into the sky, the stars slowly fading. They hid behind the dark, puffy clouds. “You could easily replace me. You deserve someone better anyways. Someone better than the stupid, pathetic garbage dump that I am.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi went silent for a while. The fresh spring breeze flowing in the air. The faint smell of food and flowers embraced his nostrils.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi smiled weakly, his voice cracking. “I want to die, Tsukki. I want to die so bad, Tsukki. I don’t deserve to live, Tsukki. I hate here, Tsukki. It hurts, Tsukki. I want to stop hurting myself, Tsukki. I just want to be happy, Tsukki.” A single, shiny teardrop plopped onto the concrete, sinking into the ground at the moment of impact.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If I go away...if I die...I’ll stop being a burden to everyone and everything. I’ll be free from all this pain. The pain hurts. It hurts so much, Tsukki…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>More tears started to spill, and his cheeks started to feel dry from all the times he wiped his jacket over his eyes to wipe away the salty water. All of these conflicting emotions bubbled inside his gut. In the end, he knew what he wanted to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think I’ve made up my mind, Tsukki. I’m going to kill myself tomorrow, Tsukki.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you can hear me, if you even care at all...I just want to thank you for everything. You’ve always been my best friend. You’ve always been so sweet and kind to me. I wonder what would’ve happened to me if you never saved me that day. You saved my life, Tsukki...so thank you. You made my life worth living. Thank you for helping me live a good life…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi sharply inhaled. “I love you, Tsukki. Always have. Always will.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And with that, he was done. He took a deep breath, not having the guts to look at his friend. He didn’t get a response at all. Not a sound. Absolutely nothing. He knew this would happen, he knew it. So then, why does it hurt so much?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>_________________________________________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two eventually neared Tadashi’s house. Tadashi tapped Kei on the shoulder. His friend lifted up one of the ears to his headphones and looked over at him, confused.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“This is my stop. I’ll see you tomorrow, Tsukki!” Tadashi smiled, walking past his friend, making his way over to his house when something firm grabbed his wrist and stopped him in his tracks. He winced as the things grip tightened over some newer scars that nested in his arm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi turned around, tilting his head to the side. “Tsukki? What’s wrong? Are you alright? WOAH-” Tadashi didn’t have any time to react as he was pulled forward. Kei’s arms wrapped around the smaller boy's back, his head resting on the smaller boy's shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tsukki,” Tadashi let out a tiny chuckle, “what’s with the sudden affection?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I heard everything, Tadashi.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi’s eyes widened, pulling away from his friend. The blonde’s hand still gripping his wrist, probably so he wouldn’t run away. “W-What? H-How?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“My headphones have been broken for a while now. But that’s not really the problem right now.” Kei put his hand in Tadashi’s, running his thumb gently over the closest scar that sat on his wrist. Tears started to prick in the corner of his eyes. “Tadashi...why didn’t you tell me how you were feeling?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi stood there in shock, his mouth agape. He stayed quiet for a while, the world's noise getting quieter minute by minute. Tadashi looked down at the ground, mumbling. “I thought you wouldn’t care…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kei looked at him with sad eyes. “Do I really give off that kind of impression? Am I that bad of a friend?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“WHAT!? NO! NO! NOT AT ALL, TSUKKI!” Tadashi shouted as he defensively waved his hands in front of his face. “I just…sorry, Tsukki...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kei sighed, putting his hand on Tadashi’s cheek. The smaller boy responded by holding onto his arm. Kei stared into his eyes. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, okay? And never apologize to me again. Just know this. You aren’t a burden, okay? You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy. And...fuck, Tadashi. I’ll do anything and everything I can to make you feel happy again, no matter what. I don’t want you to suffer, especially not in silence. I hate seeing you this way. If you died, I’d miss you so fucking much. More than you could ever know. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi didn’t respond, squeezing his eyes as hot runny tears poured down his cheeks, glimmering in the pale moonlight. He tackled Kei into a hug and sobbed loudly into his chest. Kei ran his fingers through the smaller boy's hair, resting his chin on the top of his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I love you too, Tadashi. So fucking much.”</p>
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